By Miranda Holden

The 14th Century Sufi Master Hafiz was once asked the question: “What is the sign of someone who truly knows God?” It is said that he paused for a moment, drew a deep breath and looked compassionately into the questioner’s eyes. His reply was this: “They have dropped the knife.- They have learned to drop the cruel knife most so often use upon their tender self and that of others.”

This beautiful response speaks to the heart of the daily spiritual purification that all great teachings guide us to practice every day. In order to embody the universal virtues of love, kindness, compassion and deep respect for our fellow beings, we must commit to relinquish everything that is contrary to our true nature.

‘The knife’ is a metaphor for our human habits of harshness, treasured defences and critical urges which we have learned to foster. Instead of greeting self and other as an embodiment of all that is most sacred, we all at times find ourselves holding judgements about self or other which are far from loving.

Realising that our response to anyone is lacking in love is in itself a signal that we are off line; however, we have all been conditioned to accept that our automatic judgements reflect reality. When our judgements are left unquestioned, they easily fester into grievances, and become wrapped up in past pain, which we inevitably then project onto present people and circumstances.

The sequence of the ego grossly distorts our perception and renders us incapable of seeing things as they truly are. Instead, our distorted vision informs us that in order to keep safe we must throw vicious knives of anger, blame and guilt towards those whom we really love.

Love does not Attack

The mark of a spiritually integrated person is the degree to which they do not attack. Acting out the pain of the past onto present circumstances is the sign of someone caught up in a cycle of inner violence. This is hugely painful and, when we have ‘come round’ from our unconscious daze of anger and harsh judgement, always results in feeling terrible about ourselves. Feelings of guilt always follow from any degree of attack or acting out, because spiritually we are inter-connected. The Buddha taught that ‘everything you give, you give to yourself’. It is for this reason that the golden rule of all religions can be boiled down to ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’.

Ultimately, all attack is self-attack. Exploring how to ‘drop the knife’ of your harsh judgement that begins the cycle of attack within your mind, relationships, and life is one of the most powerful things possible in the quest to be happy and at peace.

Defences keep us trapped in old pain

In order to relinquish habits of attack, judgment, defence and harshness, it helps to understand clearly where they come from. Let’s look first on a psychological level:

We have all had our hearts broken and experienced intentional or unintentional loveless treatment from others at a time when we were dependent on their tender care. Others can only give us what they have received; if this is not kindness, affection or unconditional love, it is very difficult for them to give it. This often results in the same trauma being passed down from generation to generation.

Each time we feel hurt from other’s unskilful treatment towards us, our subconscious mind takes what is happening personally, and internalises it a a personal verdict about our self. This is where inner put downs such as ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘I’m bad’, ‘I’m nothing’, ‘I’m worthless’ come from. Such inner attack thoughts usually generate from a negative core concept in our minds, and our ego comes to believe this is who we are.

We then form a defence – literally a fence around our heart, to help protect ourselves from future hurt. The only problem is that the more defences we have, the more separate, lonely and frightened we feel. Each defence affirms that the personal negative verdict about ourselves is true, when actually the sequence of events which took place may have had nothing to do with us.

Although defences can help us survive frightening situations, as we grow older, our defences become ingrained and turn into automatic habits. This is what leads us to lose our centre and act in ways that do not serve us leading happy and love-filled lives. Behaviours such as withdrawal, acting out anger, sabotaging good things, trying to control life, or other people, being dominant or subservient, are all the result of defences arising out of inner verdicts, born of incorrect judgment about who we and others are. What might have begun as a resource to help us survive a frightening moment, eventually becomes an obstacle.

Separation is the root of all suffering

I believe that the root of our defences does not begin in childhood, but rather originates from the moment we first experienced our self as separate from our Source. This birthed our ego mind, which at core is a thought of separation and thus guilt (i.e.: ‘I must have done something wrong to no longer be in Heaven’). This causes us to be fearful. It is this thing that makes us feel small, helpless and vulnerable, when spiritually we are mighty. With accepting separation as primary reality we lose our natural strength, and our natural centre.

In childhood, we play out stories around this dynamic to do with our self and our source with the closest thing we can find to God – our parents! However, they too have egos and, in their humanness, inevitably cannot meet all our needs. Each time a genuine need is not met and we feel hurt, we subconsciously affirm an attacking self-verdict, and defences kick in to help us cope. Consequently our ego sense of self gains greater weight in our mind and before long becomes our identity. This is why many people as children have felt a growing sense of heaviness – a loss of innocence; as though the memory of ‘home’ grew dim.

Understand the urge to Attack

The ego’s strategy for getting rid of these painful feelings is essentially based around first internalising the feeling of guilt, then projecting it. Firstly we develop a thought of self attack – an inner put down that grows into a core concept we repeat to ourselves to make meaning out of difficult circumstances. Common examples are ‘I’m bad’, ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘I’m nothing’, ‘I’m worthless’. Each time we hear or say this inwardly we are drawing a knife towards our sacred self.

When the pain of such self attack becomes too intense, our ego mind looks to who or what it can project it’s feelings of guilt onto. This begins as thoughts of judgement about others – parents, lovers, children, colleagues, world figures, strangers. If you really examine your mind, you will notice that it is quite difficult to think for more than half an hour without making a judgment about someone or something.

Judgement seems inconsequential, yet it is important to be aware that each thought of judgment re-enforces our sense of guilt. It is impossible to feel innocent and intrinsically whole if we are attacking another’s innocence and wholeness. Every judgement is equal in it’s power to disturb our peace of mind. A Course in Miracles states that: “It is not that you should not judge, it is that you cannot. In order to judge rightly, one would have to be aware of an inconceivably wide range of things: past, present and to come. One would have to recognise in advance all the effects of his judgment on everyone and everything involved in them in any way. Who is in a position to do this?” judgement is ignorance, not wisdom.

Open, Defenceless and Free

Whilst psychology gives us the capacity to understand why those who loved us behaved in ways that were confusing and painful, unless we open to look at what happened through a sacred lens devoid of assumptions, judgment and resistance, we do not necessarily gain the resources to free ourselves. How do we heal our painful past? By dropping our defences, suspending assumptions and judgment, and meeting what hurts with unconditional love. Grace – direct experience of the Love of God – Gives us the resources to move in this direction.

Contrary to the thinking of the world, defencelessness is the ultimate position of strength. It is not the same as passivity or victim-hood. To stand defenceless is to accept that your essence can never be harmed or destroyed. To be defenceless is to deny the power of anything external to hurt you, and to see all incoming attack as an unconscious cry form another to be loved, heard and respected. Ultimately, the ‘other person’ and their call for help reflects part of yourself that has been negated or judged and now wants to be freed from the burden of guilt.

In the face of incoming attack, courage and direct contact with the source of all strength is required. In the moments where another person has been directing anger, projection and attack my way, and I have been able to metaphorically hold the hand of God, remember my essence and to greet another’s attack with genuine defencelessness, profound healing has occurred for me, and for the other. The ‘knife’ automatically falls away, truth is contacted, and love is revealed.

In practicing defencelessness, I find it helpful to instruct my body to ‘go soft’, to feel my feet on the ground, to remind myself of our intrinsic innocence and wholeness, and to resist nothing that is arising. This is very akin to the Taoist practices of deflecting attack via non-resistance. I find that if I can take down my armour, the other person has helped me to come into more direct contact with what they are actually feeling, rather than simply acting out of defence that masks their painful feeling from past heart-break.

Anger is not really anger

Projection by its nature is dishonest, and anger IS always a mask for a deeper emotion. The Latin root for the word anger, mean ‘of grief’. It is safe to assume that anger is never the core feeling. Anger gives us a visage of strength, through which to hide our vulnerability, and this often feels safer than meeting directly the deeper feelings underneath. Yet in order to genuinely resolve anything, defences must be dropped and projections must be owned.

We are never really upset for the reason we think. Present pain is always about the past, and past pain can always be traced back to the moment of separation from Source – the moment of forgetting who we really are. If we go even deeper, we contact the awareness that even separation is an illusion. In truth we are still utterly unified with God, and at one with all beings. All spiritual practice is designed to help us welcome back this truth.

Become a soul friend to the world

I find it helpful to greet the person who may be delivering the angry ‘knife’ with appreciation. So much of our hurt comes from not feeling valued, and when we meet another with appreciation, it becomes easier for them to communicate what is needed with less hostility. Through appreciation, two opposing forces gain the awareness that they are on the same side and want the same thing – love.

Imagine if we were to consciously practice defencelessness and love in response to all attack – whether arising inwardly or externally. Imagine if whole communities were to help one another disarm their emotional weapons. If the world as an extension of our collective consciousness, imagine what impact your practice of defencelessness could have upon this world.

Each day, make it your goal to lay aside one little ‘knife’

A tiny fear, a scrap of judgement, a habit of avoidance, a bit of shame or guilt, a need to blame self or another. Give all your metaphoric ‘knives’ back to Source, in Whose hands they will dissolve into nothing: only love will remain.

In the words of the lovely Rumi, ‘let your heart be silently drawn by the deeper pull of what you truly are’

Drop the knife. Drop it now.